my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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