peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Couch. On fire.
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