I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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