Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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