my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
