I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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