He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
