Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
