fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
