He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
