The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
