I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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