Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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