You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
