I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
