How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
she looked like the before picture.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
