dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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