i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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