Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
