Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
