How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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