after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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