not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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