There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize