just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
