Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
