I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
