Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
