Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
