i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
