I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
