Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize