My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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