I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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