last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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