I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I understand Curling. That high.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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