i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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