Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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