I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
