woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
