There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
