Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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