I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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