I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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