you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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