No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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