I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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