your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
