im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
