I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
