You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
