just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
