you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
